31/08/2024 17:53 PM
    
   I want to write lots of things.
   I think I'll finish that visual novel
   I have been working on months ago, maybe.
   
   Don't know how, but I've been thinking about it.
    	
    	
    	
    

				
				
    30/08/2024 01:30 AM
    
    I've been drawing really little lately,
    just tired and demotivated.
    PhamtomSiita released their new song...
    I'm gonna draw about it.
    Love it so much.
    
    Also today I went to the market.
    I bought a cute little skirt,
    I hope I look cute in it, and makeup, and a perfume.
    
    I want to look the prettiest, I hope when
    people look at me they think I'm cute.
    There's also the guilty pleasure of looking
    slightly creepy, butterflies in my tummy when they
    look at me weird because of my slightly mechanical
    movements, or feeling euphoric because apparently,
    the way I look is bad. What's bad about a doll?
    I don't know.
    
    But it makes me so giggly my tummy tickles.
    
    As a kid I hated it.
    I wanted to be looked as normal and nice.
    Now it just makes me tickly.
    
    I like calling them creeps when
    I get stared at too long,
    but I know well the creep here is me.
    Who gets giggly because people thinks
    they look not like them? 
    
    Actually,  nowadays I purposely try
    to look as weird as possible, subtly enough.
    I think I'm an attention whore in a way.
    
    I love when they get mean. That's the only occasion
    I'm allowed to be mean back.
    
    When I die I hope they dress me prettily
    and paint my face to look as grotesque as possible.
    
    Looking pretty is one of the few pleasures of my life.
    
    	
    	
    	
    

    27/08/2024 21:06 PM
    
    My head hurts really bad.
    
    I've read novels recently, erotic novels.
    I really love them.
    I like how crude and horrible they can be.
    
    I have lots of books to finish,
    I told myself I would do that all summer,
    but I got to read only one, I'm just very
    demotivated all the time.
    
    Not that I don't like reading,
    I just like drawing more.
    
    And listening to music.
    I listened to lots of things this summer.
    Mostly always stuff I have loved since I was a kid,
    but also newer things, like Phamtom Siina,
    which is newly debuted
    but I really like their music so far.
    
    Sometimes I wish I was musically talented,
    but I'm slightly tone deaf apparently,
    and have difficulty with music theory,
    I can't even play piano decently despite
    having picked it up so long ago.
    Makes me feel bad seeing it on my shelf catching dust,
    so I think I will play it again sometime this week.
    
    Also tomorrow I will hangout with a friend and she will
    come to eat at my house afterwards! Happy 
    
    I will probably be socially drained when she goes away,
    but it's always nice changing it up and hanging out.
    	
    	
    	
    

    26/08/2024 19:05 PM
    
    I really despise the way everything feels.
    I'm not a good person, I was born evil.
    
    I hate that.
    
    The only way to change that is to have never
    been born, or open my eyes as something that
    is incapable of harm. When I die, I want to
    come back as that, something barely able to
    hurt, otherwise I don't want to come back at
    all. 
    
    Sometimes I grieve the fact that maybe, if
    my childhood turned out better, I wouldn't 
    be like this, maybe I wouldn't be evil.
    
    I doubt it, as being bad is something I was
    surely born with. I don't like hurting people
    I actually hate it, I feel guilt, I feel
    a remorse so deep it eats at me like cancer,
    at the same time my hands ache to hurt.
    
    So I hurt myself. That's the only way.
    
    I never mean any harm to others, I never
    want that, however I've hurt countless
    times, accidentaly, I want to believe that.
    
    I love the pain. I hate not being good.
    
    I've been raised the toy of everyone.
    So being evil gives a motive to endure it.
    
    I hope I can be the best toy.
    
    A life of abuse is the only thing an 
    evil creature deserves. 
   
    
    	
    	
    	
    

    26/08/2024 01:49 AM
    
    I wish I was a person sometimes.
    
    I wish flesh would feel okay, and bones not hungry.
    
    I think it hurts, I also like it.
    It's deserved, earned.
    Even with the thought that says the contrary.
    
    I'm visually an human being, yet I'm not.
    Maybe an imitation of what a person should be like,
    a broken one, like fiction and limbs mixed up dirtily.
    I like the blood that comes with it.
    
    I'm fine with being broken.
    I'm fine with rotting and smelling foul.