27/09/2024 00:53 AM

   School started some days ago and
   I already want it to end...
   tired and sleepy
   
   Got harrassed once again so I
   feel a bit disgusting, but it's okay
   Talked about it with my psychiatrist
   and I feel a little bit better 
   about it.
   
   Also my sculpture teacher really
   uplifts my art so much! happy happy
  
  
    

	21/09/2024 21:01 PM
	
   One of the things I fear most is
   being replaced. The sole sensation of
   it sends me in a panic. I've been replaced
   over and over again, left, abandoned.
   I can't bear it at all.
   
   So lately I've been feeling that.
   
   It's so stupid! It's so dumb!
   
   But I can't help it.
   
   There will always be someone better than
   me, but I still hate it.
  
   I wish I was normal.
  
    

    21/09/2024 02:20 AM
  
   Today was a bit bad. Panic all day,
   all day, no rest. I was too scared
   to ask or sneak out for my medication,
   because my mom will scream at me, 
   saying that I don't need it.
   
   I do. I need it.
   
   I'm used to no rest panic,
   but I still hate it, I'm still
   allowed to cry over how awful it 
   feels. I want to cry.
  
    

    20/09/2024 01:04 AM
    
   my head spins because of my meds, 
   uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
   waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
   uaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
   I want to die! I want to dissapear!
   and I want red shoes!
   pretty pretty pretty!
   I want to cuddle and kiss...
    	
    

    18/09/2024 01:39 AM
    
   I love him I love him I love him 
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him 
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him 
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
   I love him I love him I love him
    	
    	
    

    14/09/2024 23:32 PM
    
   I hate when I get called a person. I'm not a person.
   
   I'm a doll! I'm a doll! I'm made of flesh and stuffing,
   of clay and dirt and blood. I may look like an human
   being but I'm not one.
   
   I'm made to play with and made to be a punching bag,
   made to be cuddled and made to wear pretty dresses.
   
   How do you see a person when you look at me?
   
   I'm a plaything to be used by everyone.
   
   You probably teared at me, too. Or you will.
   
   I'm a doll. Maybe the worst one, but I'm a doll.
    	
    	
    

    14/09/2024 16:21 PM
    
    Been feeling sick, my head hurts like brain fluid has to
    spurt out. Also been singing a lot, at least a bit more
    than I already do.
    
    I love to sing despite not being really good.
    
    Singing even while typing this.
    
    It's also cold! So cold! Yesterday was wearing
    only a stringy top pajama, today long pants
    and long sleeves... Waaaaaaa.
    
    Better than feeling hot, I hate hot weather,
    I hate sweating and the sun burning me and
    getting tan because it's never even!
    My chest is so pale...
    
    Only good thing about the summer is not
    going to school, and being able to sleep lots,
    at least for now. Will have to get a job!
    I want to work! I want to be useful!
    
    Haven't gotten a job this summer
    because of my mental issues.
    
    Hopefully my mind will be better
    and I will be able to hold a job down.
    
    I don't want to live but I'm trying to stay alive.
    
    
    	
    	
    

    10/09/2024 02:19 AM
    
   I think my medication started to grow little,
   if that's even possible, maybe I should ask my
   psychiatrist to up my dose, both of them.
   Feeling more angry, more unstable and gross.
   
   I think the emotion I like less is anger.
   I hate being angry. I hate the way it drowns into panic
   and makes me irrational. (More than already I am.)
  
   I despise it.
  
   Anger on the one I love for no reason other
   than they've been spending little time with me,
   which is okay, it's fair,
   someone can't just be with me all the damn time. 
  
   (I wish it could be reality,
   I wish I could spend all waking and sleeping
   hours with them, I wish to be chained to them forever.)
  
   I'm just the selfishest doll.
   
   I wish I felt love like a normal being.
   I really really do.
   
     
  
    	
    	
    

    08/09/2024 21:39 PM
    
   I've been hating my art a bit more lately, I don't
   understand. It makes me sick, genuinely.
   I make myself sick.
   
   I just want to cry.
   
   I can't stand it.