18/09/2024 01:39 AM
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him
14/09/2024 23:32 PM
I hate when I get called a person. I'm not a person.
I'm a doll! I'm a doll! I'm made of flesh and stuffing,
of clay and dirt and blood. I may look like an human
being but I'm not one.
I'm made to play with and made to be a punching bag,
made to be cuddled and made to wear pretty dresses.
How do you see a person when you look at me?
I'm a plaything to be used by everyone.
You probably teared at me, too. Or you will.
I'm a doll. Maybe the worst one, but I'm a doll.
14/09/2024 16:21 PM
Been feeling sick, my head hurts like brain fluid has to
spurt out. Also been singing a lot, at least a bit more
than I already do.
I love to sing despite not being really good.
Singing even while typing this.
It's also cold! So cold! Yesterday was wearing only a stringy
top pajama, today long pants and long sleeves... Waaaaaaa.
Better than feeling hot, I hate hot weather, I hate sweating
and the sun burning me and getting tan because it's never even!
My chest is so pale...
Only good thing about the summer is not going to school, and being
able to sleep lots, at least for now. Will have to get a job!
I want to work! I want to be useful!
Haven't gotten a job this summer because of my mental issues.
Hopefully my mind will be better and I will be able to hold a job down.
I don't want to live but I'm trying to stay alive.
10/09/2024 02:19 AM
I think my medication started to grow little, if that's even possible,
maybe I should ask my psychiatrist to up my dose, both of them.
Feeling more angry, more unstable and gross.
I think the emotion I like less is anger.
I hate being angry. I hate the way it drowns into panic
and makes me irrational. (More than already I am.)
I despise it.
Anger on the one I love for no reason other than they've
been spending little time with me, which is okay, it's fair,
someone can't just be with me all the damn time.
(I wish it could be reality, I wish I could spend all waking and sleeping
hours with them, I wish to be chained to them forever.)
I'm just the selfishest doll.
I wish I felt love like a normal being. I really really do.
08/09/2024 21:39 PM
I've been hating my art a bit more lately, I don't
understand. It makes me sick, genuinely.
I make myself sick.
I just want to cry.
I can't stand it.
31/08/2024 17:53 PM
I want to write lots of things.
I think I'll finish that visual novel I have been working
on months ago, maybe.
Don't know how, but I've been thinking about it.
30/08/2024 01:30 AM
I've been drawing really little lately, just tired and demotivated.
PhamtomSiita released their new song... I'm gonna draw about it.
Love it so much.
Also today I went to the market. I bought a cute little skirt,
I hope I look cute in it, and makeup, and a perfume.
I want to look the prettiest, I hope when people look at me
they think I'm cute. There's also the guilty pleasure of
looking slightly creepy, butterflies in my tummy when they
look at me weird because of my slightly mechanical
movements, or feeling euphoric because apparently, the way I
look is bad. What's bad about a doll? I don't know.
But it makes me so giggly my tummy tickles.
As a kid I hated it. I wanted to be looked as normal and nice.
Now it just makes me tickly.
I like calling them creeps when I get stared at too long,
but I know well the creep here is me. Who gets giggly
because people thinks they look not like them?
Actually, nowadays I purposely try to look as weird as possible,
subtly enough. I think I'm an attention whore in a way.
I love when they get mean. That's the only occasion
I'm allowed to be mean back.
When I die I hope they dress me prettily
and paint my face to look as grotesque as possible.
Looking pretty is one of the few pleasures of my life.
27/08/2024 21:06 PM
My head hurts really bad.
I've read novels recently, erotic novels. I really love them.
I like how crude and horrible they can be.
I have lots of books to finish, I told myself I would do that
all summer, but I got to read only one, I'm just very
demotivated all the time.
Not that I don't like reading, I just like drawing more.
And listening to music. I listened to lots of things this summer.
Mostly always stuff I have loved since I was a kid, but
also newer things, like Phamtom Siina, which is newly debuted
but I really like their music so far.
Sometimes I wish I was musically talented, but I'm slightly
tone deaf apparently, and have difficulty with music theory,
I can't even play piano decently despite having picked it up
so long ago. Makes me feel bad seeing it on my shelf catching
dust, so I think I will play it again sometime this week.
Also tomorrow I will hangout with a friend and she will
come to eat at my house afterwards! Happy
I will probably be socially drained when she goes away,
but it's always nice changing it up and hanging out.
26/08/2024 19:05 PM
I really despise the way everything feels.
I'm not a good person, I was born evil.
I hate that.
The only way to change that is to have never
been born, or open my eyes as something that
is incapable of harm. When I die, I want to
come back as that, something barely able to
hurt, otherwise I don't want to come back at
all.
Sometimes I grieve the fact that maybe, if
my childhood turned out better, I wouldn't
be like this, maybe I wouldn't be evil.
I doubt it, as being bad is something I was
surely born with. I don't like hurting people
I actually hate it, I feel guilt, I feel
a remorse so deep it eats at me like cancer,
at the same time my hands ache to hurt.
So I hurt myself. That's the only way.
I never mean any harm to others, I never
want that, however I've hurt countless
times, accidentaly, I want to believe that.
I love the pain. I hate not being good.
I've been raised the toy of everyone.
So being evil gives a motive to endure it.
I hope I can be the best toy.
A life of abuse is the only thing an
evil creature deserves.
26/08/2024 01:49 AM
I wish I was a person sometimes.
I wish flesh would feel okay, and bones not hungry.
I think it hurts, I also like it. It's deserved, earned.
Even with the thought that says the contrary.
I'm visually an human being, yet I'm not. Maybe an imitation
of what a person should be like, a broken one, like fiction
and limbs mixed up dirtily. I like the blood that comes with it.
I'm fine with being broken. I'm fine with rotting and smelling foul.
